The dawn filters through
the smog
going up like last night's
coffee went down
heavy and bitter in the
empty stomach.
The black cat's paws are
clotted with olive-green
sludge
and the industry is
following
with test tubes and tranquilizers
and twisted DNA and iodine.
The sick river where truckers
pour oil
froths from where homeless
women did their laundry
a polluted bubble bath.
The river rat greases the
soggy cardboard box
with fur buttered in garbage
cheese-yellow eyes widen
when the cat strikes.
I burnt the pancakes.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
umm its interesting, i dont exactly see the connection but oh well
lulu
Critique three of five.
I really liked this. Your imagery was brilliant. The first stanza is great. I think I'd omit "the" as it delays the beginning, and I don't think you really need it.
The second stanza was great, but I think I'd chaneg "following" to "flowing" as I think it works better.
I think that the flow is a little off in the next stanza. The imagery is great, but I think that the rhythm jars a little. Maybe try:
"The sickly river
where truckers pour oil
froths
from where the homeless women
did their laundry,
a polluted bubble bath."
I love the next stanza, but I think that "soggy" is too long a word in this instance. Is there any one syllabyl word which you could use instead?The imagery here is great.
I loved the surprise of the last line, though I'm not sure I get it...
Anyway, hope this helps!
Jas
haha This was so er...odd? random? funny?
I really don't know, but it was really cool. I, at first, thought it was gonna be some sci-fi type of poem or something. Until the very end where you said:
"I burnt the pancakes."
It was completely random and I have no idea what it had to do with the poem, but I busted up laughing.
Anyways, I thought it was a cute, funny, little poem.
Good Job.
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay
Aw, thanks, Muffin! I was beginning to think this poem was invisible!
*purrs*
Well, I saw this, and I thought, "Poor poem; all the time it's been up and only one crit. How sad..."
So here I am.
I liked this! I pretty much understood what was going on, and I thought it was an interesting take on things. Your imagery was fabulous and I really enjoyed reading all the way through it.
I thought the last line was awfully funny - so out there and random that you just had to laugh before you sat down to figure out what it was about.
This was my favorite part:
"The river rat greases the
soggy cardboard box
with fur buttered in garbage
cheese-yellow eyes widen
when the cat strikes."
"Fur buttered in garbage" was a storke of pure genius, if I may say.
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin
Interesting, that's all I can say! Where did the idea come from?